By Gina Angostura
Columnist

Life can be described by any of several metaphors: a circle, a race, a school or my personal favorite ­ a ladder.

The ladder describes my single life perfectly. Rung by rung, hand over hand, pulling myself up to some distant height in the stratosphere, sweating, muscles straining, trying not ... to ... let ... go.

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Then some guy above me kicks me in the head, and I begin my inevitable drop, slowly at first, my handhold beginning to slip, then sliding faster and faster, my chin hitting each rung with a sickening thud, thud, thud, velocity increasing until my butt bursts into flame like it’s re-entering the atmosphere.

How appropriate then, that I’ve discovered the Ladder Theory. Proposed by what I believe to be a group of young college guys (the funniest stuff on the Web is made up by young college guys. I want to be a young college guy), the ladder theory explains the ups and downs of male-female relationships.

I won’t go into too much detail ­ you can read all about it on intellectualwhores.com ­ but the main idea is the same as that proposed in “When Harry Met Sally.” Men can’t be just friends with women, because they want to sleep with every woman they know.

The theory says that men place all women on a ladder, according to how much they want to sleep with them. The top of the ladder has the gorgeous, unattainable ones. The bottom rungs contain the “wolf ugly” ones ­ those you’d rather chew your arm off than be intimate with. There are many hilarious levels in between.

Women, on the other hand, have two ladders, one for potential partners and one for friends. And a guy can’t jump from friends to lovers, no matter how much speed or loft he attains.

A young guy I know whined to me about this recently. “Gina,” he said, “why do women I like always want to be just friends?” He’s attractive, funny, intelligent. Why is he having problems?

According to the theory, he’s just on the wrong ladder. He needs to find a girl who will put him on her potentials ladder, yet someone not wolf ugly.

I’m not sure the theory explains why I’m not finding success with men, though. You’d think I’d be on a midlevel rung on some guy’s ladder somewhere. The thought of belonging to the Canis lupus family is just too much for me to bear.

That’s why I’m rejecting the theory out of hand. I mean, it’s just a theory. Like evolution or relativity or global warming or my theory about Angelina Jolie being a Borg.

Meanwhile, maybe a nice firefighter type will come along and rescue me from my Tower of Terror of Growing Old Alone.

They come with their own ladders. Not to mention other firefighter accoutrements that might come in handy.

Gina welcomes your comments and questions. Have a dating dilemma you’re struggling with? What, you think Gina isn’t struggling? But feel free to share anyway. We’re in this together. E-mail me at singlecynic@manchestermirror.com.

The Single Cynic alternates weeks with the Married Cynic.