By Gina Angostura
Columnist

The first line of my Yahoo personals profile reads: “I’m an unusual woman. I hate shopping.”

I figure it’s a loss-leader type of thing. It says to men: Take my hand, be my friend, deal with my issues. In exchange, I won’t spend too much of your money. It’s a way to get them to come close enough and then, BAM, the net drops, and they’re mine. My love life gets more like a Road Runner cartoon every day ­ and that ACME company sure has a lot of ’splainin’ to do.

For the most part, the shopping thing is true. But then, nobody lies in those profiles, do they?

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Part of my aversion to shopping is that I’m not enamored of “things.” Too much money spent on things that take too much time to take care of ­ that just messes up my karma.

It’s my jet ski theory: You want a jet ski really badly. You imagine yourself out there on the water, riding the waves, wind in your hair. How fun that will be! So you buy a jet ski. Then you have to buy something to transport the jet ski. Then you have to buy jet ski accessories. Then you have to pay to fix the jet ski when it breaks. Not to mention the thousands of dollars in hospital bills after you flip the thing and it lands on you.

All in all, an expensive proposition for a quick thrill ride on the water.

The theory applies to most anything you can buy for yourself. Clothes, jewelry, shoes ­ I try to get by with the bare minimum in these categories. I know, I know, it’s wrong. I’m a girl, I should love this stuff. But I haven’t been to the mall since Christmas. And ­ gasp ­ I only own one purse.

Grocery shopping is my least favorite. I walk into the store with my tiny food budget money in hand, take a look at the eleventy billion choices facing me, and I just want to run away. So I pick up a couple of Hot Pockets, some orange juice and Diet Coke and go home.

I don’t mind shopping online, though there’s not much you can get that’s really necessary. Clothes are sometimes OK, though I’ve gotten stuck more than once with something that looked elegant in the picture but was just butt ugly in reality.

One place I will go to shop is Home Depot. One problem: I don’t own a house. Come on, you know why I go there. Don’t make me say it.

OK, I admit it: It’s to check out the guys. Home Depot has the highest concentration of men per square foot than any other retail outlet. So sometimes I’ll go there and wander up and down, ostensibly looking for kitchen cabinets or bathroom fixtures for my imaginary house, but really checking out something for the bedroom. Attention! Pickup on Aisle 7!

I can’t help it, watching a guy run his fingers through the bins of finishing nails or test a hand drill is just so ­ testosterony. I got tears in my eyes over the weekend watching a guy in his back yard cutting trim with a circular saw for some home project. I miss that.

It’s too bad you can’t shop for a guy online. Oh well, back to Yahoo.

Gina welcomes your comments and questions. Have a dating dilemma you’re struggling with? What, you think Gina isn’t struggling? But feel free to share anyway. We’re in this together. E-mail me at singlecynic@manchestermirror.com.

The Single Cynic alternates weeks with the Married Cynic.