By Gina Angostura
Columnist

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I saw a great catalog at the grocery store that has everything I want for Christmas in it. It’s called “20 Years of People’s Sexiest Men Alive.”

What do you mean it’s a magazine, not a catalog? Dang. It was $10 anyway, so I stood in line reading it so I didn’t have to pay for it. I apologize ahead of time to the woman out there who got the slobbered-on copy from Shaw’s.

OK, so now I’m going to have to go with Plan B. I’m going to spend the day at the mall on Dec. 24. Crazy, you say? Well, you might think so, especially since I already have my Christmas shopping done.

I’m going to spend Christmas Eve at the mall because that’s where all the men are. Brilliant, right?

Everyone knows that men wait until the last possible day to do holiday shopping. I know, I know, some of them are going to be married and buying things for their wives. But odds are that some will be single. In that supersaturated atmosphere, there’s bound to be more than a few good prospects.

I’ve got a game plan all mapped out. Arriving at the mall at 7 a.m. to find a parking space, I figure I’ll be inside the doors near Ruby Tuesday by 10 a.m. I’ll be wearing jeans and running shoes for comfort and mirrored sunglasses so no one can tell I’m staring at them. I’ll also bring one of those shopping bags with a handle so I’ll blend in with the crowd. The bag will be empty – carrying stuff will just slow me down.

Turning left down the hall toward Spencer’s, which I’ll avoid as I’m not really interested in a guy who thinks a lava lamp or strip poker cards make a lovely holiday gift, I’ll watch the men approaching me. I’ll be checking out what they’re carrying as well as their general age group and attractiveness level. A bag from the Disney Store or Build-A-Bear might not rule out a guy completely, but where there are kids, there are wives. Not always, of course, but a three-second glance including the left hand will give me enough information to make a snap judgment – my favorite kind.

I’ll slow down as I pass the jewelry stores. Probably guys who are shopping there at the last minute are buying things for significant others, but seeing men buy jewelry just makes me happy. Unless they’re buying it for other men.

A must on the list of stops has to be the record store. Do they still call them record stores? I have no idea what else to call them. At any rate, they’re great places to shop for guys. Lots of men alone, all neatly catalogued for me. I avoid the country aisle completely, and also the Broadway musical soundtrack section for obvious reasons.

It’s easy to stand next to an attractive man and see what kind of musical taste they have. I’m making a leap here and assuming they’re looking for themselves as well as for gifts, which, being guys, I’m sure they are. Jazz? Good. Classical? Fine. Easy listening? Mmmmm don’t think so. African drum favorites? I’ll have to think about that one. It could mean they’re interesting and aware of the diverse cultures of the world. It could also mean they need background music while they shave their head into a mohawk and put the lotion in the basket before stalking their next victim.

Sports stores, good; candle shops, bad. Buying a candle on Dec. 24 means not only are you a bad planner, you also have no imagination whatsoever.

It’s tiring shopping for guys, so after a few hours, I figure I’ll just park myself at the food court for the rest of the day with a Diet Coke and a newspaper to “hide” behind, like a spy in a movie. It’s a proven fact: All men eventually come to the food court.

And even if I don’t really find anyone, I’ll enjoy myself immensely, much more than spending $10 for a few pictures of George Clooney and Brad Pitt, though if anyone out there is looking for a lastminute gift for their favorite single cynic, Shaw’s is open late.

Merry Christmas to me!