By Gina Angostura
Columnist

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The chasm between men and women can now be measured down to the inch, specifically, 14 of them – the width of the average toilet seat.

The Great Toilet Seat Debate, or as it was called in nineteen-aught-five, the Commode Commotion, will be the final thing that will keep the sexes from joining together in a state of total bliss, now that toothpaste no longer comes in metal tubes. One of the great benefits of being single, for both sexes, is that there you don’t even have to think about toilet seat positioning anymore. But the fight rages on, even as we speak, at a home or office in your town.

All you have to do is walk into a room containing both males and females, call out, “Toilet seat: up or down?” and get out of the way. Come back in 10 minutes and you may have to identify the bodies.

This argument actually took place a few nights ago in my office. And it’s been happening there with regularity for about ... ever.

Same question, different cast of characters, always the same outcome.

The gender lines are already drawn, so all people have to do is decide if they’re a man or a woman (it’s easy to tell... quick, answer the following question: where’s the milk in the refrigerator? If you know, you’re a woman), and hunker down in the wellworn trenches. Neither side is giving up any ground.

I hesitate to say the men’s arguments hold no water because of the bad pun, but there you have it. It’s true.

But I have to give them credit; they do advocate their position vociferously and creatively.

Ever hear of toilet seat precipitate? Neither did I, until one guy used that as an excuse to leave the seat in the upright position. He argued that if the seat stayed up, fallout from other bathroom activities wouldn’t fall on the seat, and when a woman lowered it for use, she’d have a nice, clean surface. Thoughtful of him. What, exactly, is he worried about? Perfume molecules? Toothpaste splatters from violent brushers? Flying shaving cream specks? Spittle from angry retorts while listening to the guy on talk radio? He can’t HEAR you, you know.

You women know the answer to this lame argument. The toilet seat LID. That’s what it’s for, to keep the seat clean. But heaven forbid men should put the seat AND the lid down. That would be asking way too much. Whole civilizations might collapse due to the time wasted there.

One guy involved in the argument the other night said that women, after they use the facilities, should put the seat UP for the man. What? Maybe in Bizarro World.

And then there is the guy who said he always sits down – which we won’t talk about due to the extreme weirdness factor.

The women in the office once got upset enough to buy one of those musical stickon things that played a song when the seat was left up. It backfired badly. The guys in our office left the seat up anyway, and the tinny sound of “The Entertainer” drove all the women nuts.

Of course, any woman knows the answer to this eternal question is in keeping with the laws of physics: A toilet seat at rest is in the down position. When you lift it up, it uses stored energy to remain so. I think Isaac Newton discovered that, if I’m not mistaken. So leaving it up wastes energy. Or something.

Plus it’s dangerous to leave it up.

Plus it causes rifts in relationships and wastes time you could spend arguing about other, more important things. Like which way the toilet paper should face on the holder.

Plus, I said so.

– After sharing her thoughts with readers every week, Gina Angostura would like to hear from you. E-mail questions to editor@yourneighborhoodnews.com, with Single Cynic in the subject line.