By Gina Angostura
Columnist

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Neil Sedaka is a big, fat liar. Breaking up, it seems, is extremely easy to do. I’m at a slight disadvantage talking about this subject, because I haven’t actually said goodbye to anyone. Well, except to my ex. The Big D was my one and only kiss-off. Granted, a major one, but since then I’ve been broken up with three times, so it’s much easier for me to talk about being the dumpee.

The other day, over brunch, my friend Cammie and I were discussing the art of the breakup. Between us, we’ve used/heard a lot of different reasons why relationships can’t continue. Personally, I’ve heard the I-just-can’t-deal-with-anything-emotional-right-now excuse enough times to think that I’ve been dating Vulcans exclusively. Must go back to my profile on Yahoo and uncheck the “will date aliens” box.

Cammie, who is much more savvy than I am, having gone to a college where partying was actually a major, lamented the way breaking up has changed over the years. It used to be that we’d write a Dear John letter, or guys would come by the dorm to tell us to our faces that they didn’t want to see our faces again.

Nowadays, thanks to the wonders of technology, you can get dumped by phone, e-mail, voice mail, text message or instant message. I don’t have an iPod yet, but I’m sure there’s a way to send a break-up song to someone via the little white box. That’d be perfect, wouldn’t it? A guy presses a button and he hears “A message from Jane…” and the Supremes start to sing, “Set me free, why don’t ya babe. Get out of my life why don’t ya babe....” You have to admit, Motown produced the best breakup songs ever. He’ll be hearing Diana Ross in his head all day, and it will serve him right for cheating on you.

A guy once broke up with me on the phone. He was so proud of himself! He thought he was being classy by not just writing me off with an e-mail. I could almost hear him clucking under his breath, the chicken. The other two guys did write e-mails, and not even good ones. They were short, mewling poor excuses for excuses.

I’m going to publish an e-mail checklist to make it easier for cowards to break up with someone. Might as well make some money off this deal.

It’ll include the following lame breakup reasons; check one:

• It’s not you, it’s me.
• You’re too perfect for me.
• I’m not ready to feel this much for someone.
• It’s not me, it’s you.
• I can’t be with someone who thinks “Survivor” is better than “Hell’s Kitchen.”
• I need someone with smaller feet.
• I can’t help it; I grew up in a dysfunctional family and happiness is not my thing.
• It’s not either of us, it’s them.

This simple form would make breaking up so very easy to do. And admit it. Wouldn’t you rather get an e-mail like this than have to force a brave smile while yet another Vulcan tells you to live long and prosper.

– After sharing her thoughts with readers every week, Gina Angostura would like to hear from you. E-mail questions to editor@yourneighborhoodnews.com, with Single Cynic in the subject line.