By Gina Angostura
Columnist

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Being single is not exactly a glamorous, high-paying position. As with most situations, those who deal with it daily moan and complain about how hard it is and how they want to get out of it and do something else. Me? I’m in it for the bennies. Hence the following list of the good things about being partnerless.

I intended to make it a Top Ten list, but everyone is doing that. Plus I could only think of seven:

Nobody nags you about housework. Since becoming single again, I’ve become more comfortable with a “lived-in” look at my place. And by lived-in, I mean my apartment looks like it’s been lived in by rabid koalas on a eucalyptus high. I mainly do dishes when (a) a man is coming over, or (b) when I find myself eating dinner without dishes or utensils, which is hard to do when dinner is soup. And bed making is just becoming another one of those “lost arts” you read about in Martha Stewart magazine, along with tatting and taffy pulling.

You control the temperature. Ah, this is the best! You like the window open? You like the heat set at 80? You want it so cold in your bedroom you can see your breath in July? You got it. The climate is always perfect in Singleland.

No one criticizes your weight gain. So you’ve put on a few after Christmas (or Easter, or Halloween, or Tuesday). Even if you can’t zip your jeans, it’s comforting to know that no one will be able to come up to you, poke you in the stomach, and do that annoying Pillsbury Dough Boy laugh. And if it all ends with them having to take the side of your house off with a crane to get your huge lifeless body out so you can be buried in a piano crate – well, at least you “Had It Your Way.”

Car trips are a joy. I recently went on a 10-hour car trip with a couple who bickered about everything. Not just the route to take, but what lane to drive in. How fast the windshield wipers should go. When to stop to eat. Whether to give the finger to the guy who just tried to cut in line at the tolls. When you travel alone, you’re free to exercise road rage at will. And no one cares that you’re listening to “Thunder Road” for the 14th time in a row. Also, see temperature control benefit above.

The mail’s always for you. So is the phone. (Note: Not a bennie if they are bills and/or bill collectors.)

No one says, “I don’t know, what do YOU want to do?” Man, I hate that. When you’re single, you do what you want, when you want. You still have to make decisions, but at least you don’t have to defer to someone else’s moods. You can go out and eat dinner where you feel like eating it and always pick the movie. But if you want to suck down Ben and Jerry’s in your bathrobe while watching an all-day marathon of “Pimp My Ride,” you can do that, too.

Things are always where you put them. Nobody moves your keys, loses your page in a magazine, or rifles through your pile of stuff looking for their stuff. The downside is there’s no one to blame when you can’t find something. “Who took my ...” has to be replaced by “Where the heck did I put my ...” Not as satisfying, but then, that’s true of most tradeoffs we soloists must make.

But hey, I look at it this way: I’m not alone and pathetic. I’m in control.

– After sharing her thoughts with readers every week, Gina Angostura would like to hear from you. E-mail questions to editor@yourneighborhoodnews.com, with Single Cynic in the subject line.