By Gina Angostura
Columnist

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You can find just about anything online – car insurance, CDs, houses, even a ghost captured in a bottle. I swear! Go to eBay and check it out.

And if you search hard enough, you might even find the love of your life. That’s what the Yahoo ads say, anyway. My experience has been slightly different. Reading those online personals is like sorting through clothes on a final markdown clearance rack: Too small, too big, too tacky, that’s never going to fit.

Now before anyone starts thinking I’m too picky, let me assure you I’m not. At this point I’d date a side of beef, figuring there’d at least be dinner somewhere down the road.

And there are some great guys who use these services. I’ve dated some of them. All right, one of them. But let’s just put it this way: some men’s profiles could use a little tweaking.

Consider this line: "I like to dance in the din of the forest and cook to the fire of lust." In what alternate universe does this sentence attract women? I can just see the self-satisfied smile on his face as he adds that little nugget: “Oh yeah, that’ll get ’em.”

Guys: Before you put fingers to keyboard, here are some tips from a woman who spends a fair amount of time on the “shopping for men” pages.

• Please watch spelling and grammar. I try not to be a snob about this. I really do. But I think an intelligent man should know the difference between “dinning out” and “dining out.” If you don’t, find someone who does and make them read your profile before posting. And get a woman’s point of view.

• Be unique. If every guy who said they like walking on the beach actually did it, you wouldn’t be able to see the water at Hampton for the sea of men. I like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain, but you don't see it in my profile.

• Lower your expectations a little. You and I are in the same boat. It’s hard to meet someone compatible, that’s why we’re posting. But perfection is hard to come by. I hate this line: “I want a woman who looks just as good in jeans as in a ball gown.” Where are all these people going that they need a woman in a gown? Is the prince giving a ball?

• Watch the sports talk. Yes, some women really like sports. They’ll go to baseball games with you. But to widen the field for yourself, don’t start your profile with “I’m a big Sox and Pats fan.” That almost goes without saying. And it screams “I won’t have time for you on weekends” to most women.

• Do not lie. A woman you want to date long-term will find you out. Saying you don’t like game playing is a lie. We all play games. It’s part of the process. It’s all right to gloss over some unattractive quality, or even say you like hiking when the last time treked up Monadnock was 13 years ago. But be honest as possible. Women appreciate that.

• Include a recent picture that does not have you in sunglasses, holding a beer or holding another woman. It’s nice to have a tropical background in the shot, but you’d better make sure you’re up to taking me there. And for heaven’s sake, don’t pose without a shirt unless you’re 18 and have nice pecs. It’s just wrong.

• Never mention other women. This includes exes and mothers. One guy actually listed his ex’s bad qualities. Yes, finally my dream has come true – a man who will keep a list of everything he hates about me. Women want to be the best you’ve ever met, if not the first. Sharing baggage can come later. Like on the first date.

You don’t have to be rich, educated in an Ivy League school and drive a Mercedes to get a date. Neither do you have to climb mountains or skydive, although an inordinate number of men seem to. Talk about your health risks!

Just be real. Be friendly. Be yourself. And be at my house Friday at 7. I’ll provide the steaks. And that’s not “stakes.”

– After sharing her thoughts with readers every week, Gina Angostura would like to hear from you. E-mail questions to editor@yourneighborhoodnews.com, with Single Cynic in the subject line.