By Patrick Payette
Columnist

Every family has a weekday morning ritual. These are motions one goes through after they wake up, but are still half asleep, and need to get somewhere by 7:30 a.m.

I don’t know if our routine is significantly different than yours, but I am sure there are some similarities.

• 5:15 a.m.: Alarm goes off. Wife wakes up.

• 5:20 a.m.: Sound of coffee grinder disturbs my slumber

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• 5:30 a.m.: Smell of coffee draws me downstairs. My wife has every light on in the living room to help everyone wake up. The intense brightness also provides a side benefit of allowing you to achieve a deep tan that can only be derived from overexposure to incandescent lighting.

• 5:35 a.m.: My wife brings me a cup of coffee and turns on the morning news to the local New Hampshire television station. We ask each other how we slept. I briefl y explain the dream I had of fl ying a jet fighter and bombing individual members of my high school class from 1976. I don’t think Sally Breslin would even try to interpret that one.

• 5:40 a.m.: I make fun of the morning news anchors. No one should be that lively at this hour. Within 10 minutes, I have heard a weather “update” three times and at least two traffic reports. I also have noticed the news ticker at the bottom of the screen has misspelled Bode Miller’s name. Today he is known as Bose.

• 6 a.m.: My youngest arrives down the stairs and fl ops on the sofa. She has, in the three minutes it has taken her to leave her bed, put on her robe and come downstairs, generated a mental list of every ache and pain possible and regurgitates the list.

• 6:05 a.m.: After a lack of a sympathetic response to her perceived medical conditions, youngest asks what is for breakfast. Anything less than freshly baked bread or muffins further deteriorates her mood.

• 6:10 a.m.: The eldest daughter arrives and fl ops on the other sofa and recites her daily list of infirmities and maladies. The TV weather has now been updated 15 times with little or no change in either the current conditions or the expected forecast. The current news story is accompanied by video footage that appears to have nothing to do with the story being reported. We turn the news off.

• 6:15 a.m.: My wife tells oldest she needs to get moving and take a shower. Her response is “I’m tired.” Youngest responds that she’s more tired. It then becomes a contest of which one is the most tired. In the end, I get “tired” of listening to them and suggest she gets in the shower before I bring the shower to her.

• 6:20 a.m.: Youngest comes downstairs to model her first wardrobe choice for the day. Wife tells her stripes and plaids do not go together and sends her upstairs for a second try.

• 6:25 a.m.: Dog arrives downstairs and is disappointed she missed the “I’m more tired” contest because she believes she would have won.

• 6:27 a.m.: Wife puts dog out on her run.

• 6:28 a.m.: Dog starts barking at nothing in particular. I rap on the window from inside and say “No!” in a strong commanding voice. Dog looks at me wondering why my lips are moving, but with no sound coming through the glass, and continues barking.

• 6:29 a.m.: Let dog in.

• 6:30 a.m.: Youngest returns fully dressed in outfit that while now coordinated, is in desperate need of ironing. “Why?” she asks. “Because,” I respond, “if you go out in the car and look in the driver’s door pocket, you will find a map of New Hampshire. The wrinkles in your dress look very much like Downtown Manchester.” “Look,” I say pointing to her shoulder, “the Verizon Center.”

• 6:35 a.m.: Wife bangs on bathroom door in Female Morse Code telling oldest the well is almost dry and it is time to turn off the shower.

• 6:40 a.m.: Oldest exits bathroom with towel wrapped around her head and she now appears somewhat awake. She also wants to know what is for breakfast. Before we can answer, youngest advises her dejectedly, “Nothing.” A house full of food, and there is nothing for breakfast.

• 6:42 a.m.: Rather than iron her outfit, youngest has returned downstairs with yet another clothing combination. This third try results in one that matches and is more or less, wrinkle-free. The other two sets of clothing previously worn are no doubt strewn about her bedroom.

To be continued ...

– Patrick Payette can be reached at patdunbarton@peoplepc.com, if he can find his computer.

The Single Cynic will alternate weeks with the Married Cynic.