By Patrick Payette
Columnist

Men, why is it the cars we drive only develop problems when we’re not the ones driving? I can put 25,000 miles on a car in six months and never have anything go wrong with it. My wife can take it to the corner store and come back with an illuminated “Check Engine Light,” a new rattle coming from the rear passenger side and brakes that have worn to the rivets.

Every once in a while we will go into town and I’ll ride while my wife drives. It is then I understand exactly why the car needs repairs. While my wife would disagree with my perception of events, they usually go something like this:

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“You might want to try and avoid that moon-crater-sized [THUMP] pothole,” I suggest just a little too late.

“Wow, that one was deep. You’d think they would fill those in now that spring is here,” she tells me. A few minutes later she says, “Hmm, it seems the car is pulling to the left.”

“Oh, really? I don’t suppose it could be because both tie rods and part of the steering rack fell off and are back there on Clinton Street by the pothole,” I reply as I look for the phone number of Advanced Autoparts saved on my cell phone speed dial.

The auto parts guy answers the phone, “Good afternoon, Advanced Autoparts.”

“Hi there. I have a 2001 Ford Windstar and I need…” I begin when I am interrupted on the other end of the phone.

“Mr. Payette, is that you?” he asks. “Haven’t seen you in a couple of weeks. How’s the wife?”

“How do you know my name? Am I the only one with a 2001 Windstar in Concord?” I inquire.

“No, of course not,” he says, “but you are the only one with a Windstar who cries every time he calls. But don’t worry, I feel your pain. Look at the bright side, we never stocked so many Windstar parts until after you walked through our door the first time.”

I do not have an extensive knowledge of vehicle repair, but I have enough that I can fix most minor items and finish the job without having parts left over. Through a combination of Father’s Days and birthdays, I have accumulated a decent number of tools. I also have a greasy Haynes repair manual for reference, and I maintain several online car repair Web sites saved under “Favorites.”

The Web sites are composed of other backyard mechanics and are good places to get advice and tips before and even during the project. You have to be a little savvy when dealing with these online mechanics. Going by their chat room user name is a good place to start. For example, I never take advice from someone with a user name like “BlownEngine- Bobby.”

However, in the spirit of full disclosure, I have hit a pothole or two myself during my lifetime. They are not nearly as big as the ones that seem to suck any car my wife is driving right into them.

My youngest daughter has many of her mother’s traits. The other day, she was playing a video game with all the skill a 14-year-old can possess. The particular task required her to drive a vehicle of some sort through an obstacle course in a certain amount of time. I told her she would never drive any car of mine if she didn’t stop saying “Yesssss!” every time she drove the video vehicle off a cliff or into a box of dynamite.

If she can’t drive the video vehicle without going off the cliff, how is she going to avoid potholes?

– Patrick Payette can be reached at patdunbarton@peoplepc.com, if he can find his computer.

The Single Cynic will alternate weeks with the Married Cynic.