By Patrick Payette
Columnist

Previous articles • May 4, 2006 • April 20, 2006 • April 6, 2006 • March 23, 2006 • March 8, 2006 • February 23, 2006 • February 9, 2006

I may not be the neatest guy on the planet, but my life does demand some, albeit small, degree of order. Whether it is 5/8-inch open end wrench, or some important paperwork, which must be responded to promptly, I put them all in plain sight so I know where they are when I need them. My storage place of choice happens to be the kitchen counter, or, on occasion, the dining room table – both of which confl ict with my wife’s desire to maintain a neat and orderly household.

The reasoning behind having my “stuff” in the open has to do with depleted short-term memory as a result of brain damage sustained during many years of raising children. Ask me who played defensive back for the 1972 Miami Dolphins and I can name each player. Ask me where and when John F. Kennedy was assassinated and I can spit out a timeline of events from that November day in 1963. However, ask me where I put my owner’s manual to the lawnmower I bought three days ago, and unless it’s sitting somewhere in plain view, I couldn’t begin to guess where it is.

When I can’t find something, I do what most husbands do – I ask my wife where it is. She is apt to know since she is the one who relocates my “stuff” when it’s cluttering up her kitchen counter. You will note that I used the phrase “can’t find” as opposed to “lose” because I never lose anything. I am the victim here.

To ease my pain, my wife has dedicated a drawer in a chest where she puts anything she finds of mine during her daily neatening up. This drawer is now stocked with enough items to start a garage sale. Every level surface in the home is her space while my space is relegated to the shed and a single chest drawer. She may also put things away where she thinks they belong. Many would view this as a logical solution to the problem. It isn’t.

About once every six months or so, I go through my catch-all drawer and discover forgotten things that must have been important at some point since I left them on the counter – that special pen the septic service people gave me during their last visit, a DVD for six months free Internet access, a plastic slinky with some company logo on it, and several collectibles from the trade show I attended two months ago. They are now mixed together in a square Tupperware container in the bottom of the drawer. The brief moment of excitement at rediscovering these valuable items is quickly replaced by wonderment – why were they not where I left them originally?

What women don’t seem to understand is many times men don’t realize they need something until they see it. Ask any biologist –men are visual creatures. As an example, seeing my 5/8-inch open-end wrench on the counter reminds me I have to pick up a drill bit and a new oil pan plug so I can drill out and replace the old one I snapped off after over tightening. Without that wrench on the counter, I could go days, maybe weeks, trying to remember why my Ford is up on jacks in the driveway.

A conversation with my wife can go something like this:

“Honey, have you seen the wrench I left on the counter by the stove?”

“Check your drawer, but I think I put it down on your work bench.”

“How about the repair manual for the van I had left on the dining room table. Do you know where that might be?” I ask while already knowing she’ll reply in the affirmative.

“It’s in the bookcase in the dining room next to all your other manuals.” She says while crocheting.

Becoming a little frustrated at the lack of order I once had in my life, I say, “I thought I left my laptop right here next to the back door. You wouldn’t happen to know where that disappeared to would you?”

“Your computer is in the closet in the dining room next to the bookcase (implying ‘with your repair manuals’) along with all the other things from work you brought home on Friday,” she says with a barely detectable hint of exasperation.

That’s it. Time to state my case in a very straightforward way. “Well I really wish you would stop throwing my stuff around like that.”

And then I wonder, what other stuff did I bring home from work on Friday? If it were on the counter, I would know. With it being in the closet, it’s anybody’s guess.

– Patrick Payette can be reached at patdunbarton@peoplepc.com, if he can find his computer.

The Single Cynic will return next week, and will alternate weeks with the Married Cynic.