By Marc Thaler
Sports Editor

The Baltimore Ravens, Jacksonville Jaguars, Cleveland Browns, Tennessee Titans, San Francisco 49ers, St. Louis Rams and Houston Texans.

Those were the first seven opponents on the Indianapolis Colts’ 2005 schedule prior to the team’s Week 8 week off. The final score in every contest favored the men who have a horseshoe on their helmets.

More articles • This is it • Nitwit nation • Closing argument • Patriots 102 • Show me the funny! • Tito has veto power • Impact was (mid) major • Patriots 101 • First-ever 'Noddies' • Pigs are flying • Coming to my senses • Farewell to this King • Preseason pressure • New blood • Beautiful day • Game may spark a Super discussion • Boy, his actions make me wonder • First night • Spill on a slippery slope • Groundhog Day on Yawkey Way • Saving the best for last • This Boss born to coach USA • Pa, it appears, still knows best • Giving thanks, gridiron style • Still not convinced they're Super • A costly lesson in time management • Unchallenged and unimpressive • Final thoughts on the '05 season • Story could have horrific ending • Man behind the Mike • Less than Wild about this finish • That's all, Foulke • Several holes in these Sox • Making a generous Pey-ment

But is it actually possible to be unbeaten through the first eight weeks of the NFL season and still have yet to beat anybody?

Gimme a Y! Gimme an E! Gimme an S! What’s that spell?

With a schedule that reads more like a dessert menu, the Colts are clearly guilty of having professional football’s ultimate sweet tooth.

I’m talking severe Cupcake City.

If NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue awarded superlatives, the Colts would have zero competition for Team Most Likely To Have Countless Cavities.

In fact, I can almost hear Colts head coach Tony Dungy on speaker phone with the local dentist...

Hi, Doc. Yeah, I’m gonna need you to clean out your appointment book today. I have a roster full of football players in need of fillings. The Colts, fresh off their bye week, are coming into town toting the NFL’s best record and the inside track to home-field advantage in the AFC playoffs. In a matter of days, they’ll face the Patriots in Foxboro, Mass., on football’s biggest regular-season stage – Monday Night Football.

Finally, Indy will be presented with its first true test of the ’05 season.

To think, it only took two months.

Of course, even decimated by injuries on defense, the Pats aren’t just any test. After completing perhaps history’s toughest six-game stretch to start a season – leaving the team at 3-3 before beating Buffalo – Indy’s Week 9 opponent is more like a midterm exam.

At long last, fans will see whether Peyton Manning and his pals are prepared to hang with the heavyweights, having spent seven weeks beating up the league’s second-tier squads.

Just to prove this space isn’t being used as a forum to wave the pompoms, consider the following:

Excluding the currently 2-5 Ravens, which Indy faced in Week 1, the Colts only competed against one team – division rival Jacksonville – that was above .500 at the time of play.

After the Colts’ Week 3 matchup with then 1-1 Cleveland, these potential champs defeated four straight sub-.500 chumps, including hopeless Houston.

But my boxers were really bunched after reading a story in the Oct. 17 issue of Sports Illustrated.

In an article that, not surprisingly, slobbered all over undefeated Indianapolis, placing Colts defensive end Dwight Freeney – a fellow Syracuse University alumnus – on the cover was the only thing SI did right.

That week, the magazine’s lead feature article praised the Colts defense – a unit normally slammed for its similarity to Swiss cheese. “They’ve certainly taken a lot of heat over the years,” Manning told SI, “but right now they have a little swagger to them.”

True, the Colts’ total defense was ranked 4-of-32 through last weekend. But that swagger Manning described is the result of a dominance that’s highly deceiving.

Again, refer to the numbers. The digits don’t lie.

When Week 8 concluded, almost every offense Indy’s “D” defeated was among the NFL’s worst.

Six of those seven teams had offenses ranked in the league’s lower half. Four teams had offenses ranked 25 or lower, including San Francisco and Houston, ranked 31 and 32, respectively.

Only the Rams, currently at No. 2, brought a legitimate attack to the table. When Indy’s defense lined up against St. Louis, the Colts quickly found themselves in a 17-0 hole.

With an actual test on the horizon, the Colts better hope their team trip to the dentist didn’t take too much time away from study hall.